Questions and Answers

September 2006

Did I Choose the Wrong Man?

Dear Mrs. Andelin: 

Many of your success stories are about women who were about to get a divorce, or even already divorced. In these stories it seems that if anyone just tiries hard enough any marriage can become better. But what about the possibility that one chose the wrong man in the first place? I am afraid that I was rather stupid and a bit desperate choosing my  husband and now things are terrible.  Before marrriage he was nice to me but now he tells me all the things he finds wrong with me.  Any tiny mistake I make he notices, like he wants to turn me into something I am not.  For a long time I have been blaming myself, telling myself that if I just became a better person, if I tried harder to become perfect, things would improve.  But no matter how much I read your book or how hard I try, nothing changes. Can it be that I made an unwise decision in the first place, and now perhaps have spoiled both of our lives?   

Dear friend,

If you feel you  have choosen the wrong man to marry, there is nothing wrong with your getting a divorce, and the sooner the better, especially if you have no children.  Divorce is an act of mercy, especially when there appears no other way.  Moses allowed divorce for this reason.  I am wondering if your husband also feels he has made a mistake in marriage and is treating you this way to provoke you to divorce him.

Before taking this step, however, take an honest look at your situation.  It seems to me that you have been more concerned about your unhappiness in marriage than in doing the things that would make him happy.  Do you let him know that you accept him, appreciate him, admire him and make him number one?  Is your household clean and organized?  Are you feminine in the way you dress and act?  Are you a kind, generous and patient person?