By Helen Andelin, Author of Fascinating Womanhood                                                         andelins@sofnet.com

                                           March 2001

Assert Yourself

 To create the perfect harmony in marriage, the wife should honor her husband as the head of the household. This arrangement is of divine origin supported by bible scriptures, the most emphatic from Ephesians, The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church. (Eph. 5:23).  This arrangement is not a matter of who is the most qualified to lead, the husband or the wife, but purely a matter of law and order in the kingdom of God. 

Honoring the man as the leader of the family is one of the foundation stones taught in Fascinating Womanhood.  To violate it brings tension and sometimes far reaching problems to the entire family.  To follow it is fundamental to a smooth running, peaceful household and well developed, obedient children.  In fact, many cases of rebellious children can be traced to the mother who habitually sets an example of a disregard for her husband’s instructions.

  And yet, with this emphasis on the patriarchal order in the family, which fills some women with fear and others with a stubborn resistance, I have spelled out a balance to this severe principle, which should make these same women feel like human beings - the right to assert yourself.   The rule is this:  When you feel keenly about an issue it is your right and sometimes your duty to express yourself clearly and firmly.  Remember, in the beginning the woman was given to the man as a helpmeet.  You can serve this role well by learning how and when to assert yourself.

To assert yourself effectively, the first thing to do is to gain wisdom and sound judgment.  If you don’t, if you have poor judgment or give impulsive advice from the top of your head without careful thought, you could send him off in the wrong direction.  Instead of being a helpmeet, you could be a stumbling block.  Unless you have something wise to contribute to his life, it is better to remain silent.

To gain this wisdom, so necessary in being a true helpmeet, stay close to your husband.  Be interested in his work and listen to him carefully so you will be aware of his interests, his goals and his problems.  And don’t be hasty in offering your advice.  Take time to think things through carefully so you can be sure of yourself.  When you do express yourself, follow the FW method by using the words I feel, rather than I think as they indicate feminine intuition.  Also, don’t hide your emotions.  Let them flow freely as they are an indication of the feminine nature.  But, although you should express yourself in this feminine manner, when you feel you are right, speak firmly and with confidence.  Remember, for if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who will prepare himself to the battle. (1 Cor. 14:8)    

  Now, a final thought, but an important one:  If your husband chooses not to follow your good advice, honor his decision and don’t make an issue of it.  Chances are he may be in the right, and if not, he needs the freedom to choose even if it means a mistake, but perhaps a mistake he will learn from.  He may even learn that it pays to listen to you.  One thing that will help is to remember your priorities.  Your marriage should be in top priority.  An intact marriage is of far greater value than the outcome of most plans and decisions.

  A good example of asserting yourself is found in the early movie, Meet Me In St Louis with Judy Garland and Mary Astor.  When the father wanted to move his family from St. Louis to New York to take advantage of a promotion in his business, the entire family objected.  The mother, Mary Astor, most vocally expressed herself.  But, although she was painfully disturbed about the proposed move, and although she expressed herself vocally and emotionally, she did not refuse to move.  She even told her husband she would stand by him.  His entire family, then, followed the mother’s example and prepared to move.  In the end the father decided it was too disturbing to his family and voluntarily decided to stay, which made everyone happy, including himself.

  There are two extremes in this situation:  One is to try to take control by pushing, nagging or standing in his way. The other is to turn your back on him, let him sink or swim and don’t worry your pretty little head about it.  Neither way serves him as a helpmeet.  The right way is to be close to your husband, try to understand his problems, be sensitive to his needs and have the courage to speak when you’re sure of yourself and remain silent when you are not. 

If a child appears to want something "with all his heart," it may be best to stretch and buy it for him. On the other hand, the amount of money you spend is no guarantee of success. I have seen small children lavished with expensive toys only to ignore them all and play with a small plastic airplane. As you can see, the art of buying gifts for children is challenging. You want to convey your feeling of love for the child, without being overly indulgent.

Comments from Grateful Students:

“I want to thank you for writing Fascinating Womanhood.  I cannot tell you what an impact it has had on my life!  I am 22 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for a little over a year.  Shortly after we were married we began to have differences of opinions, arguments, resentful feelings towards each other, and independent spirits.  One of my mentors suggested I read FW and I praise the Lord every day that she did!!  I feel like Tony and I have the best marriage on the planet!  He is becoming more the man of my dreams every day and I thank the Lord for him more each moment we spend together.  Oh - I could go on and on!  I just praise the Lord for changing ME!”             - Iowa

“I am single and a Catholic. About 12 years ago I had a very profound conversion bringing me back to my faith in a town in Bosnia called Medjugorje. In this town Jesus’ mother is appearing.  Through my conversion I started working with a priest named Father Charlie Becker.  We have prayer groups throughout the Chicago area and take 3 pilgrimages a year to Medjugorje. During my conversion one of the topics we have discussed in depth is men and women relationships.  I have tried to read everything I could get my hands on regarding this subject.  A married friend came across FW and suggested I read it.  After reading it I feel God inspired you to write this book and it seemed to answer so many questions and problems women would approach me regarding their marriages.  Father was a little tougher to convince.  Finally he gave me the go ahead to order 10 copies which we handed out appropriately.  Well I prayed and prayed that God would help me as a good friend was having problems in her marriage. I gave her a book.  Next thing I knew people were calling me for the book.  Now Father feels we must get the word out about Fascinating Womanhood.   So, please know God is answering your prayers.  Please pray for me, as I too feel called to get FW out to women.  Take care and thank you for your courage to write the book.                                      - Chicago area.

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