October, 1999

On this web site we teach the importance of living our God-given roles - the woman devoting her time and energy to being a caring wife, mother and homemaker and the man to being a devoted guide, protector and provider. A common problem running throughout our present society, one which causes a multitude of problems, is when the woman fails to provide a clean, well organized home. Men can become distraught and even in despair over this situation, with no real solution in sight. One such man turned to me this past week, seeking my advice. I have his permission to quote from his letter:

"My wife is a stay-at-home mom who seems to be overly involved with activities outside the home. She justifies it by saying earthly things are last on her list of "to do's." The condition of our home on the inside is very disgraceful to say the least. She still has a dozen or so boxes that haven't been unpacked from our move seven years ago and many of the boxes that were unpacked are scattered about our home. This doesn't include the things we have accumulated over the past seven years.

"I have asked my wife to make the home just a little more presentable but she persists with, "I don't have time for such trivial activities." She is home alone for seven hours a day but only manages to keep up with the meals, dishes and other necessities like the laundry and cleaning toilets.

"I asked her last week if she would be interested in using your book, All About Raising Children as the study topic for the next session of our accountability group. She said if she were to live by the principles taught in that book she would have no time to help others outside our family. I keep telling her our family is our ministry. My guess is she doesn't want to give up the rewards her outside ministries give her.

" I wish I could tell her that if our home is not in order she cannot participate in any outside ministries but is seems I would sound more like her dad than her husband. Anything I could possibly say to explain why I am not happy with the present situation may appear to have selfish undertones. How do I tell her I would like our home to be more inviting? To date I have only told her nicely that it is upsetting to me but she only says maybe some day she will get to it. At this point my only hope is prayer."

My comments: Your wife is behaving like a self-centered, irresponsible child with an amazingly immature sense of values. Saying things nicely will not get her attention. Better to say it like a dad, with a "bark" in it. If she behaves like a child treat her like one.

You can train a child to do most anything by three forms of motivation. Begin with the highest form of motivation - inspiring them to do the right or wise thing. You might begin with your wife by using logic. Tell her, for example, that her statements like "earthly things are last on my list of 'to do's" or "I don't have time for such trivial activities" or "if I were to live by the principles taught in that book I would have no time to help others outside our family" indicate a mistaken sense of values. Her work to provide a clean smooth-running home is a sacred responsibility of the highest importance and to neglect it is a way to make her husband miserable is a serious dereliction of duty. Her statements make as much sense as if you were to say "I think I will retire from making a living as it is too trivial, earthly, last on my list and robs me of time to help others outside my home." Help her see that her viewpoint is selfish and indicates laziness. Especially help her understand that it is making you miserable! I know you have approached her before on this but do it again with more clarity and force. And keep doing it.

If she does not wake up with this approach use the incentive of rewards. Try to discover something she would really like to brighten up the house, such as a new set of dishes, a floor lamp or a picture. Or offer her an exotic vacation. Then tell her she can have it as soon as she completely organizes the household.

If both of the above fails resort to punishments. Tell her if you come home to a messy house you will leave and spend the evening elsewhere. Or cut down her spending money, eliminate a vacation or other privilege. Then, most important, stick to your word.

Don't think this will be easy for her. It takes great mental focus to organize and it is multiplied a thousand times when the mess accumulates. Be patient and give her encouragement whenever it is due.

"Fascinating Womanhood has had a very positive impact in our family life. It was recommended by a number of friends. After reading the entire book I am in the process of rereading it. Please let me know if there are any seminars in my area. I would love to participate in one." (Please be patient. I am hearing your requests. - Helen Andelin).

"I am really enjoying Fascinating Womanhood. I truly shows me how to understand my husband. I'm glad I caught wind of this book at my young age. I'm 22 years old so I have my whole life ahead of me yet to practice FW principles."

"Thank you so much for your book Fascinating Womanhood. I purchased a copy a few months ago, not realizing the concept of the book. I have been so blessed by this book. In a world where femininity and womanhood is scoffed at, this book has been a breath of fresh air and a confirmation of my own beliefs."

We give permission to churches, educational institutions and outreach programs to teach classes and seminars in Fascinating Womanhood. We also give permission to women to conduct study groups in their homes. No training is required. To be successful, however, the teacher must have a well-prepared lesson, success in living its teachings and a conviction of the subject.

Materials available for classes are the Book, Teachers Study Guide and Student Workbook. They are listed on the order form.

This useful little notebook is not in print at the present time. We hope to bring it back in a little larger form. It will be announced on this web site.