Last month I wrote about honoring your husband as "Head of the House" and how to make this bible based doctrine work in marriage. I advised you to stay close to their husband's concerns and when you feel strongly about an issue to speak out, but to do so with the utmost discretion." Now I want to balance this view with the following advice:

To make leadership work in marriage the woman must be "submissive." Think of this as a definite quality, a quality which requires faith in the principle and the strength of character to live it. In Fascinating Womanhood I have used Amelia in Vanity Fair as a example of submissiveness. For those who are new to F.W. and have not yet read the book I quote it here:

"For almost all men who came near her loved her; though no doubt they would be at a loss to tell you why. She was not brilliant, nor witty, nor wise overmuch, nor extraordinarily handsome. But, wherever she went, she touched and charmed everyone of the male sex as invariably as she awakened the scorn and incredulity of her own sisterhood. I think it was her 'weakness' which was her principle charm, a kind of 'sweet submission' and 'softness' which seemed to appeal to each man she met for his sympathy and protection." (Vanity Fair, by William Thackery. FW p 270

The question has been asked, "What is the difference between submissiveness and obedience?" In F.W. we look at it this way: Obedience is a matter of following your husband's instructions or commands. Submissiveness, on the other hand is a specific quality, quite natural in the feminine woman. Submissiveness in women makes obedience work in marriage. Obedience alone is a rather hard doctrine. Submissiveness enhances marriage. It takes the sting out of obedience and turns it into something fine and lovely. It is the Fascinating Way.

We can sum it up by saying, as much as they can a man and woman should work out problems and arrive at decisions together, but when they cannot agree the wife should be submissive - be willing to do things her husband's way. This advice may seem difficult and to some unfair, but I can assure you that when you do, little miracles happen and sometimes big miracles. What we think we are giving up we often gain, as in the following experience:

I was in a conversation with a lady who challenged my views on the submissiveness of wives. "Mrs. Andelin," she said, "I believe in many of your teachings but I do not go along with your ideas about honoring the man as the leader. We women have to give up too much that way. It just isn't fair. Take my own case, for example. I am active in my church and hold a responsible position in the women's organization. I enjoy this work and want to continue but my husband objects to the out-of-town meetings I must attend occasionally. I think he is in the wrong, so I go anyway. If I did it his way I would stay home. Frankly, it is too much to give up. I like the good I accomplish and wouldn't feel right about quitting. In fact, I would resent his standing in my way."

I told her I admired the work she was doing and felt her husband did also but her approach to him was wrong and caused a negative response in him. His opposition to her plans was his way of claiming his position as the leader. I then suggested she trying doing it the Fascinating Womanhood way:

"The next time you have a meeting out-of-town," I said, "say something like this: 'Dear, I know you usually object to my going out-of-town to my church meetings. If you really don't want me to go I will stay home. However, I would like very much to go. May I please?'"

This method must have sounded too simple for she said, "That will not work with my husband; he is too set against my going." I urged her to try it with the thought that if he said "no" she would stay home and do it in good spirit, for it would not be right for her to willfully go her way in disobedience to her husband.

Several weeks later I met her and she greeted me with a warm smile. "I have something interesting to tell you," she said, "I did exactly as you suggested and to my surprise my husband said, 'Of course you can go if you want to.' I could hardly believe my ears."

Women everywhere are fighting for their rights, not realizing that the way to win with men is to yield. In the above incident it was not the meeting the husband objected to, but to the wife's disregard for his position. Once his authority was recognized and honored he was more than willing to yield also. Most men are not nearly as difficult as they appear. They are usually struggling for position. When this is respected they relax and are more reasonable.

Submissiveness is a wonderful feminine quality, greatly valued by men, not just because it puts the ball in their hands, but because it is charming.

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Announcement:

I want to announce that for awhile I must limit my participation in this Internet program to the home page. The home page will include: Monthly Message, News, Special Announcements and Brief Comments from Grateful Readers. The web site will continue to include the Information about Classes, Book and Materials, but will not include Questions and Answers or Success Stories.

Fascinating Womanhood teachers: If you would like to announce your forthcoming class, please send us your name, city, state and phone number and we will post it on the home page. No street address, for security reasons.

F.W. DISCUSSION GROUP: You are invited to join us in this world wide discussion on Marriage, the Fascinating Way. You may post your point of view, comments, questions or suggestions. If you have questions directed to Mrs. Andelin, please email her at andelins@sofnet.com.

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